gratitude, chronic illness, and the messy endeavor of personal growth

it really isn’t until you’re in the position of having to grieve the life you’ll never have that you can fully grasp it. in this age that we live in, everyone is talking about gratitude and mindfulness. most people take this to be a momentary and occasional “touch the grass”practice or maybe do something for themselves and others, feeling the instant gratification of doing what it means to be human. feel. but what if there comes a time that you feel absolutely numb and detached? what if you wake up one morning and everything that you knew is different - the things you had going for you must be sacrificed or it comes at the expense of who you are. we hear about these stories where people have major life changing experiences that leave a mark on who they are till the man up top comes calling and says enough. not to discredit those in this case with very hard endeavors to wrap their minds around, but what if it’s a gradual piecing away of who you were. day by day fragments of you leave. some days are more heavy than others, and eventually you lose what and who you thought you were. of course in the process of growing up we change. but what im getting at is different. at a young age i had faced a lot of environmental pressures and moving parts which put a stress onto my 10 year old soul and body. stress, as we know, is like a prison to the spirit, and we all must “take some deep breaths” at times. but to me, a girl that from a young age has carried chronic illness, stress is my greatest foe and opponent. but nevertheless, you get up and figure out how to get through. i suddenly realized and conditioned myself to understand that now, though i still can continue in my life’s path, the fatigue that respired from my condition led me to restrain myself, and not be able to do things as simple as spur of the moment cartwheels like my friends. that’s okay though. i still had my humor, my smarts, my love of live….all the real things you need anyways. as years pass though, i noticed something very drastic had changed about my well-being. but like all people with chronic illness, you learn to go on and carry it. but not to let it carry you. to the point of gratitude, why would i be grateful? what is there to recognize as blessing? you see, little by little and getting through the days as best i could, i look back to the 10 year old girl who OBVIOUSLY will look different, but different in a way that is almost unrecognizable. all the things i could’ve wished for her - it went differently. anyways. well not anyways in a dismissive way, but the point i am now circling back to is here. chronic illness is no joke. and when you're asked, "are you better?", most people don't see how LUCKY they are to think you just "bounce back". and that's how it should be. you shouldn't have to ask to get better eventually. but chronic illness is never ending. even worse, it's invisible. a month away from graduation--great timing--i started to feel something i’d never felt. a feeling i didn’t want to even explore because it wasn’t one i wanted to accept as being my new reality. but slowly the “silent demon” came out. months later and most annoyingly, i became completely bedridden. bedridden. at 18. "make that make sense", a phrase i would add to familiar speech. the slow build up finally became a boulder, destroying what i thought was where i was headed toward, my aspirations, my enjoyments...you name it. the first week, in my mind was just at a “you have a cold” level of acceptance, not willing to understand this may be my life. the second week i began to really grieve. if you’ve ever had to grieve a loss of someone or something, it is something i don’t wish on my worst enemy. But grieving yourself - unlike anything i thought i’d experience while living, and while 18. i could not eat, drink, speak, walk, let alone stand without my body going weak. i had felt, really, lifeless. like i had no purpose. the little things i once overlooked because they were automatic, became whole endeavours. and silly to admit, but while in this state, i looked outside the window of my room, out to the yard where the gardener was working. now i never encourage envy or jealousy…but i was entirely envious of the gardener who was outside, walking, planting, cleaning, etc. i thought about the days prior where while i had felt the growing symptoms, but i was still functional. i wish--and can only wish--to go back to that girl, the one who while grateful for all that remained after, forgot to be grateful for what is automatic. and as humans, we should NOT HAVE to be grateful for what SHOULD happen normally. but in life, unfortunately some younger than others learn that even things like standing on two feet, having a heart to pump blood to our brains, being able to eat and drink…..even those things we take for granted, and we never see when they can be taken away. they shouldn’t be taken away.

this article though is not for pity, to say "you're not grateful enough, i have worse", nor for it to end there. i could go on a tangent about the type of person to take their suffering and form it into a cause to drive ego and shed "justifiable" wrongful behavior....but i'll refrain. i do believe in the idea that if you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. that’s not to say you can’t be sad or cry it out at times. trust me, i’ve been there. could your life have gone differently? yes. but to dwell in the realm of doubt and the loss of life, so much as to not even give yourself a chance, that's worse. i'll tell you a secret i’ve learned over the years, and continue to remind myself when embarking of this new unknown and scary illness that quintessentially changes my entire direction of life.....there’s magic in people who have known darkness but choose to sprinkle sunshine, and be the light wherever they go. because a girl who says "i can't do this anymore" will not only do it, but do it well. and honestly, if your in this position, you have something–though you’ll deny you do–that others don’t. you have the ultimate key to life. the amount of people that i talk to on a daily basis, and i mean this in the least controversial way, seem to me absolutely dull and heartless. but you, you see things, and you understand. like my perks of being a wallflower reference? great movie by the way. you will never settle for superficiality, and you only search for what is at greatest potency of authenticity in this life. though it may feel unfair and that life was taken away from you, life actually is most well known by the person who loves many things. don’t take anything for granted. even if tedious, recognize the things that you love, and watch your life grow brighter. don’t let the love “come to you”...love comes from the love you put out. you are the greatest project you’ll ever work on. you have YOU for your entire life. as many times you need to stop and take a break, do so--just don’t ever give up. hold onto the hope that one day you’ll be grateful you didn’t end up with what you thought you wanted. you might like that story better. so in your story, know you're blessed because you still get to wake up and love how far you've come. know you're blessed because you've grown from from where you were planted. here's the end of my sappiness--you have two options in every turn, evolve or repeat. now turn, and face the strange. 

-candidly yours